Here’s what I’ve learned in March so far:

1.) I cannot see any purpose in the cosmic divine plan for influenza. Maybe for killing weakened animals or whatever, but this didn’t kill me, it just pissed me off. Doesn’t Sophia know that when I get pissed off it just charges my Ultimate Combo meter, and I end up performing deathblows on people in Pathmark?

2.) Ninja Gaiden Sigma would probably be fantastic if I didn’t play through the original game twice before this. Once I saw that the only real add-on was the HD-ness (HD != Humpty Dumpty), as in the rest of the changes were AWFUL, I got stoked about life. Then I ate a turkey sandwich.

3.) They made Jolt Blue the worst, and Red the best, because they thought that doing the opposite of Johnnie Walker was a funtastic idea.

4.) Amy Winehouse looks and sounds like a dumpster. So you’re addicted to drugs and are a terrible musician uplifted by engineered hype and an industry demanding new faces all the time to keep 12 year olds buying Coca Cola and getting Simon Cowell more expensive automobiles. That don’t impress me much.

5.) If you pay Entertainment Weekly enough money, they will call your stumbling show’s fragmented season great. Even if it’s had one decent episode, two duds, and three absolute garbage piles. Four after tomorrow, I’m sure. I CAN BELIEVE YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR BABY IN A HOSPITAL, OKAY.

Let me know if this is ugly on your browser cause I don’t acceptance test my own ishery.