Chelsie
find me the paula abdul video
John
which one
with MC KOOL KAT
BAAABY IT SEEMS LIKE WE NEVER AGREE
You like anal, and I LIKE TV
Dear Sony,
Stop pushing non-vital firmware updates that you test with a monkey and a stick. Funny how my Blu-Ray movies all worked before this updatefest that would make Microsoft blush. Maybe make inportant technical decisions before the system is released. For example…to not ship it with the ugliest, jankiest DLC store mankind will ever seen. Maybe you could try the good old “What happens when I try to access the main menu during the opening commercials” test (here’s a PROTIP: people are going to try to do that, I swear it. Got usability team? Oh right, the budget…), because IT MAY ASTOUND YOU but I and many others don’t feel like after paying $20 for a BD disc I should have to watch ads for Chasing Papi Special Edition.
So now I’ve got to buy a thumbdrive, back up all my files on the drive, and reflash your piece of crap. And hopefully THIS TIME I won’t magically stumble across something that causes it to become magically worthless.
Here’s the reproduction report (Yes, I test software for a living…though I’ve never had to professionally file something this inexcusable):
1.) Insert a BD disc. Get asked if you want to surrender your Internet connection to Blu-Ray functions. Yeah…sure…Internet connection required to watch a film. Makes sense. Just like they did in Edison’s time. Sign me up.
2.) See the FBI Warning, and laugh. Haha, Mulder and Scully are coming to my house cause I stole their copy of Chasing Papi! Somewhere a man is getting stabbed, a woman is getting raped, and I’m being arrested because I’m watching Spider-Man when I shouldn’t be. Don’t tell them I taped it off of HBO!
3.) Get forwarded to more BS prefacing. Get pissed off, access the menu, and try to go to the root menu of the disc. Get told you can’t do that. Of course not, I’m sure some company paid you a lot of money to write IF (screen == commercial.awesome.$$$) THEN (User.Controls = UserAbility.NONE) into all of your product. Congratulations. Use the proceeds to buy a bottle of Johnnie Blue Label. You’ve earned it.
4.) Eventually get to a screen with some error code that could only be srand(0) % 666666666. Seriously, why not start with 0 or 1 and count from there? Unless you guys really have a 100,000 feedback error codes, if so then I pity your technical support. I get sent back to the Home screen when all is said and done.
5.) Eject and insert the same BD disc. Watch the fun flashy colors swirl in the upper-right corner for minutes. NOTHING. Reset PS3 and repeat. NOTHING.
6.) Try a different disc. Still nothing! Fantastic! I’ve isolated the problem to the hardware, not my BD disc that’s got zero scratches and used to actually work on this thing.
7.) OK now try a game. Hahaha, sorry! Nothing!
8.) Tell everybody I know how my 400$ paperweight is so much better than their Xbox 360 and their Nintendo Wii. Or at the very least, there’s bugs still in your whole Blu-Ray protocol. Bugs the size of those creepy preying mantises that can take down hummingbirds. Eeeewwww.
Rejoice, everyone, for I have sinned. Also, I have written down everything I’ve learned so far in April. April…in like a lamb and out like a porpoise.
1.) I’ll write this one up some other time, I’m tired.
2.) If you play in stock mode in the new Smash Brothers, and you’re Kirby, ahead n+1 to 1, you can still win the match by inhaling your opponent and jumping off the side of the stage. I thought they’re be some “Kirby Karma” or “Saigon Suicide Squad” penalty for taking someone to the grave with you, but I suppose they were too busy cutting off Ganondorf’s balls and trying desperately to break the game in new fantastic ways.
3.) Xander Crews IS Awesome-X. Probably cheaper at your local retailer
4.) I’ve been a shitty Nihongo no gakusee all cause half my books were garbage. The supplementals are all fine, but the rest make no small attempts to try and convince you that this stuff is hard and you’re never going to make it. Every page was just “GET HIM A BODY BAG! YEAH!”
5.) I wonder if I should’ve spent more time trying to like Phish and DMB when I was in college, so I can put them on right now and feel all nostalgic about their aural hijinks, instead of balking at the idea of surrendering to ‘the scene’ years too late. Haha April Fool’s!
6.) My dreams are better than yours. Allow me to demonstrate:
I’m sitting in this house out of the 18th century, like people around me are churning butter and writing with quills and stuff like that. I decide this is so dumb and run out of there, I’m walking around the streets to a village, and there’s cars and stuff, like suddenly everything’s modern. There are these heavily armored police force guys, who start shoting at me to stop, and run towards me. I run, and quickly encounter a jaguar (the animal, not the automobile), who climbs on my back and starts swiping at the police force from this vantage point. We start chasing them, and it becomes obvious that I’m too slow, so the jaguar throws me on his back and starts running. We make it to this beach house, where there’s about a hundred twentysomething kids drinking Coronas and rocking out to the Depeche Mode.
The place is cleared out upon seeing me and the jaguar come in, and the jaguar suddenly gets pissed off, and starts attacking me. He goes right for my Honore de Balzac, and he will not let go. He is swinging me around by my nether regions, and the pain is horrible. I remember looking down, in disbelief and thinking, “Yes. There is a wild predator throwing me about, by my junk.” I pry my hands into his jaws and pull them apart finally. I’m able to dash off, while the jaguar gives chase.
After breaking down the rear entrance, I see that it’s a short distance to the shore, so I think of a plan. I grab the jaguar somehow, and throw him into the ocean. Since it was only a short toss, the jaguar lands just fine in the shallow water, shakes itself off, and then starts running back at me. Suddenly, two guys come out of the beach house, and one shouts, “Hey, looks like the new guy is having some trouble!” One produces a disk from his pocket, and throws it into the air, where it hovers for a second, then suddenly expands…into a flat Pizza Hut box, which continues to hover in the air. The second guy, throws me a pizza cutter. I catch it, and then I know what I have to do.
As the jaguar leaps at me, I slash its face with the cutter. While its downed, I pick it up, and jump on the floating box. It starts sailing out into the ocean, without any intervention by me. When we get out far enough, I give the jaguar a good toss, and this is the last I see of it. The guy who gave me the box shouts, “Hurry back! There’s only a few seconds left!” Just as I approach the shore, the box shrinks back down, and to avoid plopping straight down, I have to do a somersault to get back to solid ground. The two men congratulate me, and say that they are prepared to make me a business proposition.
We walk back inside, and that’s it.