As an after-effect of last week’s activites, I’ve realized that, when I want to, I am able to find time for stuff in my life, even for such a “silly” thing as buying and selling collectible cards. I’m always groveling about not having the time or the energy or anything, but this obviously was not the case: if what I’m devoted to interests me, and bonus points if there’s an obvious reward to be had.

This year I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a slacker. I need to love what I’m doing, or I will not do it very well, at all. This is not necessarily a bad thing, though: I just have to be ambitious enough about changing my life in ways that will always lead me to what I am passionate about. The analogy is a tire stuck in the ground: it spins faster and faster, trying to get somewhere out of it’s mire, and though it’s reached top speed, it’s really going nowhere. That’s the point I’ve been at these last couple of months, and now, nearly covered in mud, and perhaps in a bigger hole than when I started spinning, I’m going to give everything a heavy push in the right direction.

I have decided to go back to school, hopefully this fall, to get a masters degree in teaching. This is something I’ve wanted to do, on and off, throughout my life, but it has always been confused and altered by external, pointless pursuits. Although people contend that I’m well-skilled and knowledged in what I am doing right now, this isn’t good enough for me. Whereas I can work hard, and hone that talent, and continue down this path and use this ability, it would not make me truly happy. In short, there’s certain things I want to accomplish in my life, and, looking down the path I walk right now, these cannot possibly happen.

Externally, someone might call this a “quarter-life crisis”, but this isn’t an idea that came out of nowhere. When I was in college, there was a fellow mathematics major, a year above me, that was also getting a teacher certification, on top of the horrid, endless WPI coursework. I thought, why would somebody go here, and want to put this calibre of education (well, expensive calibre at least) towards such a pursuit? Being an engineering school, with acclaimed alumni in various sectors of technology, I had just assumed everyone around me wanted to be a director at General Electric or CTO of some Fortune 500 company. I never thought, you could pick all of this knowledge up, and put it to good use in that manner. I never worked up the courage to ask her what motives she had (since I probably would’ve come off as condescending at the time, being a dumb kid with delusions of grandeur about myself and everyone around me), but I imagine there had to be some nobility in the decision.

Still, this woman reminded me of my own past, of me as a student, who was told by one of his middle school teachers that I’d find her profession boring, and that, while I might be good at it, I’ll always regret not being able to try and do something else with my “talents”. That teacher’s name is a part of my work laptop password, a morbid reminder of a chance not taken, of advice not reconsidered. Sure, I perhaps might be full of thoughts of “what if..”, but also perhaps I would’ve held contentment with what I was doing, and not overextend myself into the realm of possible lives I could be leading. Instead, I would appreciate what was in front of me.

All I know is, I have to put this plan together, I can figure out the finances as it comes, but I am going to start seriously pursuing this right away. Again, I have to remind myself there Is enjoyment here, there Is a detectable reward, and the rest will follow suit. I might be a slacker, but in my instances of brilliance above that slacking, I will drive myself to brighter shores.