Dear Sony,

Stop pushing non-vital firmware updates that you test with a monkey and a stick. Funny how my Blu-Ray movies all worked before this updatefest that would make Microsoft blush. Maybe make inportant technical decisions before the system is released. For example…to not ship it with the ugliest, jankiest DLC store mankind will ever seen. Maybe you could try the good old “What happens when I try to access the main menu during the opening commercials” test (here’s a PROTIP: people are going to try to do that, I swear it. Got usability team? Oh right, the budget…), because IT MAY ASTOUND YOU but I and many others don’t feel like after paying $20 for a BD disc I should have to watch ads for Chasing Papi Special Edition.

So now I’ve got to buy a thumbdrive, back up all my files on the drive, and reflash your piece of crap. And hopefully THIS TIME I won’t magically stumble across something that causes it to become magically worthless.

Here’s the reproduction report (Yes, I test software for a living…though I’ve never had to professionally file something this inexcusable):

1.) Insert a BD disc. Get asked if you want to surrender your Internet connection to Blu-Ray functions. Yeah…sure…Internet connection required to watch a film. Makes sense. Just like they did in Edison’s time. Sign me up.

2.) See the FBI Warning, and laugh. Haha, Mulder and Scully are coming to my house cause I stole their copy of Chasing Papi! Somewhere a man is getting stabbed, a woman is getting raped, and I’m being arrested because I’m watching Spider-Man when I shouldn’t be. Don’t tell them I taped it off of HBO!

3.) Get forwarded to more BS prefacing. Get pissed off, access the menu, and try to go to the root menu of the disc. Get told you can’t do that. Of course not, I’m sure some company paid you a lot of money to write IF (screen == commercial.awesome.$$$) THEN (User.Controls = UserAbility.NONE) into all of your product. Congratulations. Use the proceeds to buy a bottle of Johnnie Blue Label. You’ve earned it.

4.) Eventually get to a screen with some error code that could only be srand(0) % 666666666. Seriously, why not start with 0 or 1 and count from there? Unless you guys really have a 100,000 feedback error codes, if so then I pity your technical support. I get sent back to the Home screen when all is said and done.

5.) Eject and insert the same BD disc. Watch the fun flashy colors swirl in the upper-right corner for minutes. NOTHING. Reset PS3 and repeat. NOTHING.

6.) Try a different disc. Still nothing! Fantastic! I’ve isolated the problem to the hardware, not my BD disc that’s got zero scratches and used to actually work on this thing.

7.) OK now try a game. Hahaha, sorry! Nothing!

8.) Tell everybody I know how my 400$ paperweight is so much better than their Xbox 360 and their Nintendo Wii. Or at the very least, there’s bugs still in your whole Blu-Ray protocol. Bugs the size of those creepy preying mantises that can take down hummingbirds. Eeeewwww.